The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas
(The Channel Awesome logo and the NC 2017 opening are shown; fade in on a title card for a show called "The Moviesquitoes") Announcer (Malcolm): It's The Moviesquitoes... (A montage of clips for this show are displayed, showing Doug, Tamara and Malcolm dressed as giant mosquitoes) Announcer: ...the Nostalgia Critic characters you probably didn't think twice about. Now, in this exciting prequel, we answer the question we know you've been dying to find out: how did the Moviesquitoes meet? (We see the Moviesquitoes meeting each other; a laugh track is heard throughout) Buzzy-Buzzy Squish-Squish (Doug): Hello. I'm Buzzy-Buzzy Squish-Squish. George (Malcolm): I'm George. Number 3 (Tamara): And I'm Number 3. Buzzy-Buzzy Squish-Squish: It's great to meet you both. George: Well, I guess our thrilling backstory is finally revealed. Number 3: Let's do what we always do: watch stuff. Buzzy-Buzzy Squish-Squish: Okay! (they fly to a laptop) Well, I'm so glad we addressed what was buzzing around in people's minds. (He and Number 3 laugh, while George presses the enter button on the keyboard) Number 3: Yeah, I know it was really sucking the life out of them. (They laugh) George: Mosquito-based pun. (They laugh again) Buzzy-Buzzy Squish-Squish: 'Cause that's all we are, right? Puns for that small amount of children who aren't developed enough yet to know we're not funny. (waves to the camera) Hi, kids! Number 3: We'll keep you busy while your parents get that much-needed time alone. George: Just don't go in that bedroom for fifteen to twenty minutes. Buzzy-Buzzy Squish-Squish: Now, on with the show! (They sit down to watch what's on the laptop. On the laptop is NC in his room) NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And a special hello to all the Moviesquitoes who most likely just revealed their backstory. (the Mostquitoes wave at NC) By God, we've been waiting years, years to find that out, and now we can all rest easy, knowing that riveting tale...which, of course, brings us to my review, which I'm sure in no way connects to any of this: Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas. (The title of the movie is shown, before showing clips) NC (vo): Yep. After the critical crucifixion of the first film, resulting in not nearly the profit the studio was hoping to produce, Universal Studios eventually said, "Eh, those sets were expensive; we gotta use them for something." Thus, we have this prequel we didn't know we wanted, with all new annoyances that we know we didn't want. The film seems so disinterested in existing, they're not even facing the viewer all the way on the poster. (NC is shown facing the wall with his chair backwards. He briefly looks at the camera and waves at it) NC (vo): In fact, the movie cares so little of what impact it has on you that it doesn't even care what it's rated. (NC is shown looking at the DVD cover and the disc of the movie) Yeah, the box says PG, but when you open it up, the disc reads G. NC: (mischievously) Ooh! Is the PG version the uncensored cut, the one where Fred finally does Barn? (an image of cartoon Barney lifting up Fred is shown) NC (vo): It's all as pleasant as passing a prehistoric kidney stone, and we're gonna find out why. NC: So let's take a page right out of "Misery". This is Viva Rock Vegas. (The movie starts with the Universal logo, which says Univershell) NC (vo): The intro again has the pun title "Univershell", because Lord knows I wouldn't want my real company name attached to this either. Though... oh! (the caption "www.UniversalStudios.com" is shown on the bottom) The website gives the real name! NC: You're ruining the illusion, Viva Rock Vegas! (We see an alien race flying on a UFO) NC (vo): And we cut to the night terrors Marvin the Martian has when he falls to sleep on ecstasy. (We see The Great Gazoo (Alan Cumming)) Gazoo: Did anybody else see those big letters flying by? NC: (creeped out at Gazoo's appearance) PG! This was definitely rated PG! NC (vo): Christ! Why do Alan Cumming kids films always paint his face green and baste him in horrific horror? (an image of Loki from ''Son of the Mask is shown)'' Alien: You are to document the Earthlings' bizarre mating rituals. NC: Oh, hey, I was just kidding. (The image of cartoon Barney lifting up Fred is shown) Don't let the plot actually be Fred and Barney doing it! (On Earth, we see Fred and Barney driving to their high school) NC (vo): Speaking of which, we cut to Fred and Barney, portrayed by Mark Addy and Stephen Baldwin... in, no joke, the role I think he Baldwin was born to play. Barney: (various scenes) He couldn't even crack his knuckles without my help. / Crane's got trouble, just call Barney Rubble. (laughs) NC (vo): It's... actually kind of eerie how well he gives Barney's cluelessness and lack of development skills. Barney: You're welcome. (laughs as he and Fred high-five each other) NC: Okay, he has essence of (image of...) Shaggy's stoneness, but A: That's also a Hanna-Barbera character, and B: You'd be stoned, too, if you were on this movie. NC (vo): You'd have to be to allow this to be your first big joke. (A huge dinosaur farts, causing the people next to him to fly away from the fart's force) Dinosaur: I got three stomachs. Cut me some slack! NC: Yeah, Flintstones was always known for its flatulent humor. (Cut to a clip from the cartoon) Wilma: Put up the beds and let's get some sleep. Fred: We don't have beds in camp, we use... (A fart sound effect is heard) Wilma and Betty: Oh, no! (Back to the movie, where Fred is controlling a remote-control dinosaur) NC (vo): While that's going on, Fred is trying to pass an exam to finally work with a real dinosaur. But it doesn't exactly go great. (Fred accidentally drops a boulder onto a person, crushing him into the ground) Fred: (grimaces) Ooh! (Cut to Fred and Barney at the graduation ceremony) Announcer: Frederick Flintstone! NC (vo; as the announcer): Despite killing a man, you still pass with flying colors. Hey, if we don't have any animal cruelty laws, why should this bother us? (normally, as we are shown Wilma Slaghoople) We then cut to the family of Wilma, played by... Kristen Johnston? NC: Okay, now this is particularly interesting, because while the casting in the first film was pretty spot-on, a lot of people had an issue with Rosie O'Donnell as Betty. (An image of Rosie O'Donnell as Betty is shown) NC (vo): Not that she was awful, but whenever you look at her, you don't see Betty, you just see Rosie O'Donnell, even though Wilma was cast fine. NC: Here, Betty is cast fine, but you don't see Wilma... NC (vo): ...you just see Kristen Johnston. She's a fine comedic actress, but tell me if you see Wilma or Sally trying to blend in by auditioning for Earth's favorite past time of making shitty movies. Wilma: (speaking to her friends) I was thinking about going someplace a little different, going into Bedrock, and going bowling! (The friends laugh, and so do the prehistoric animals nearby) NC: (as Sally from ''3rd Rock From the Sun)'' Hi, Commander! I made the Chuck-E-Cheese animatronics laugh, but this impression of (shot of Audrey Meadows as...) Alice from Honeymooners eludes me! (We see Fred and Barney hang out at a cliff near the water) NC (vo): Meanwhile, Barney and Fred continue to think about their futures. Fred: I guess I always figured by this point in my life, I'd have somebody special. Barney: Well, you always got me, Fred. Fred: Thanks, Barn. NC: Okay, I am trying very hard to resist the "gay old time" joke, but you are making it very difficult! Fred: I mean, it's not like something's just gonna drop out of the sky, land right in front of you, and change your whole life. (Suddenly, a tiny spaceship appears from the sky) NC (vo; as Fred): Oh, my God! That thing I just said wouldn't happen just happened! (The ship crashes into the ground) NC: Damn it, couldn't that be the meteor to destroy all prehistoric life? (Gazoo flies out of the ship) Fred: Who are you? NC (vo; as Gazoo): I am your death. Gazoo: I come from a planet too far for you to fathom, and a civilization too advanced for you to comprehend. NC: (as Gazoo) Yet, our effects are still pretty shitty. What, am I Photoshopped here? Pretty lame. Barney: We let you out of the fancy bottle, now we get wishes, right? Fred: Yeah, Barney's right. Let's get this started. What do we have to rub? NC: Now I have no choice. (points to the left, and the infamous ending verse from the original show's intro plays out) Singers: We'll have a gay old time! Gazoo: I am of a highly-evolved alien species. NC (vo; as Fred): You look more like a creation of a TV show ratings slump. (While attempting to punch Gazoo, Fred accidentally punches Barney, knocking him to the ground) NC (vo; as Barney): Hey, I'm a born-again Christian. I'm gonna go create God's Club. (We see Wilma meet Betty for the first time at a Bronto King restaurant) NC (vo): Later, Wilma meets Betty, played by Jane Krakowski, at a restaurant. Wilma: How much is a glass of water? Betty: Water? Free. Wilma: Right, I'll have two. NC: Perfect, just one question. What's glass? (beat) Stone Age? NC (vo): Betty mistakes Wilma for being caveless, despite the fact that she's actually running away from her incredibly rich mother because she hates her lifestyle. Betty: You'll stay with me till you're back on your feet. I know you're not looking for a handout. You're just looking for your self respect. NC: (as Sally) After that Schmidt woman, inviting a complete stranger in seems perfectly normal. (We see Fred and Barney sleeping at their apartment) Barney: Good night, Fred. Fred: Good night, Barn. (Gazoo appears) Gazoo: Good night, dum-dums! (NC screams at Gazoo's sudden appearance) NC: Sorry, I will never get used to how freaky that is! (Gazoo's appearance has caused Barney to fall on top of Fred) Gazoo: I am here to observe your species' mating rituals. So, get to it! Fred: (chuckles) Oh, Barney and me don't, uh... Singers: We'll have a gay old time! NC: Okay, is my joke playlist just gonna be nothing but this? (shows his joke playlist, which all say "Play 'Gay Old Time'") NC (vo): Gazoo follows them to a fast food joint, where Wilma gets her first serving job. But Fred seems to miss her and instead gets the hots for Betty. (Fred is mesmerized at Betty) Betty: Sorry, no substitutions. Fred: Homina-homina-homina... NC: (as Betty) Uh, sorry, I don't speak Bill O'Reilly. Betty: You want a date? (Fred nods) Well... I've gone out with men who said less. NC: (as Betty) Bill Cosby just got me a drink. Betty: Why not? You can take me to the carnival tomorrow. (Fred, still mesmerized, can do nothing but stutter) NC: (as Betty) Sorry, I don't speak Clinton either. Okay, bottom line, anyone named Bill is most likely an adulterer. (an image of Bill (Malcolm) is shown) Some exceptions. (Fred and Betty chuckle at each other) NC (vo): Well, now we know Fred's kill face. NC: We'll just add that to the list of everyone else's kill face. (various images of the characters' faces are shown, with Barney getting the most images) I think Barney is up to five. NC (vo): Of course, Barney then gets a date with Wilma, which, honestly, is not a bad idea and could be a little funny. But then you remember this was directed by the same asshole who directed these, (posters of ''Problem Child 2, Jingle All the Way, Snow Dogs, Are We There Yet?, and Christmas Story 2 are shown)'' and that foolish optimism is put out like T-Rex urine on a fire. (We see people attending a carnival; one woman is shown watching her child riding a ride while holding a video camera) NC: Okay, stop! How the hell is there a video camera?! NC (vo): I can surprisingly suspend disbelief through most of this, but a video camera?! No! I'm sorry! We see pictures are chiseled, so we're just supposed to expect there's a bird chiseling a hundred pictures per minute?! NC: It's like having a live audience in animation! (a scene from the cartoon is shown with a laughing audience heard) How would that be possible?! (Barney laughs, then Betty giggles; suddenly, romance music plays as Barney and Betty look at each other) NC (vo): Oh, there's another one to add to the kill face count. NC: I'm just assuming most of the cast are gonna show up on CSI: Bedrock. NC (vo): They, of course, end up switching and start getting along better with the other's dates. (Wilma is shown trying to lift a bowling bowl) NC (vo; as Wilma): Oh, this paper mache is so heavy. (Fred and Wilma are shown riding on the Ferris wheel) Maybe a ride on an animal's rib cage will make me feel better. NC: Flintstones is kind of disturbing when you think about it. Wilma: I wish I bought something to drape over my shoulders, you know. (Fred puts his arm on Wilma's shoulder) Thank you. (Gazoo appears in front of them) Gazoo: Nice opening! (NC again screams at Gazoo's sudden appearance) NC (vo): Okay, I'm gonna justify him in this movie by saying he's the big giant head checking in on Sally's mission. He already did it once as the Hole! (As Fred and Wilma are about to kiss, Dino suddenly pops out of the egg Fred was holding and starts licking him on the face) NC: (as Fred) Whoa! I swear that never happens! NC (vo): Yeah, that's right. The prize they won at the carnival was Dino. (Beat) You know, aliens, dinosaurs, and cavemen all exist at the same time. Why should this bother me? NC: It doesn't. Next shitty scene. (Wilma's mother Pearl appears at Betty's apartment) NC (vo): Wilma's mother drops by, played by Joan Collins... (Cut to a clip from ''Mrs. Doubtfire)'' Frank: Oh, I don't think I have the strength. NC (vo): ...and she interrupts her primordial black-face to ask Wilma to come home. Betty: I'm going to take my bath now. Good luck. (Pearl cleans off the dust on a chair) Pearl: Ugh. NC: Yeah, it's a cave. There's gonna be dirt and dust– it's a cave! NC (vo): She invites her back to celebrating her father's birthday, while Fred thinks about proposing to Wilma. Seems a little fast, but to be fair, this movie does feel like years have gone by. (Fred and Barney are driving to Wilma's house; Fred brings out a ring box) Fred: So, Barn, what do you think? (Barney opens the box and sees the ring) Barney: Oh, Fred, you shouldn't have. Singers: We'll have a gay old time! Fred: It's not for you, nitwit, it's for Wilma. Barney: Oh. NC: (as Barney) Probably for the best. I'm saving myself for Pauly Shore. NC (vo): They meet at her mother's house to discover she's so rich, she can hire John Cho as a valet. Fred: (rushing at the valet) Trying to steal my car! (grabs the valet and pulls him out of his car) Valet: No, sir! Wilma: Fred, he's the valet! Fred: I knew that. (A mock poster, parodying ''Harold and Kumar, pops up, promoting "Harold Cho & Sulu Takei Park a Car")'' NC (vo, as mock announcer): "Harold & Sulu Park a Car". NC: Hey, don't tempt them! They might make that! NC (vo): By the way, Wilma's dad is played by Harvey Korman. As you can plainly see, he never recovered after the Star Wars Holiday Special. Colonel Slaghoople: Calvary, mount up! We're moving out! CHARGE!! (He runs away like a soldier charging into battle as the others look at him, confused. A clip from ''Monty Python and the Holy Grail ''is shown) Knight: You're using coconuts! NC (vo): Fred is intimidated about his ring when he sees the family she comes from. And it doesn't help that Dino interrupts the party also. (Dino crashes into the party, with his leash tied to a tree, which destroys everything in its path) Fred: Dino! No! (Dino pounces onto Fred. Pearl throws the stuff off of her face away in anger) NC: (as a posh woman) Well, this is a fine "how do you do"! Surely, the chefs' desserts will make everything better! NC (vo): But Wilma sticks up for her party-ruiner. Wilma: That is why I like them, because they're not like you! Pearl: How dare you talk to me like that, Wilma? No one has ever talked to me like that before. NC: (as Pearl) They usually just say, "Glub, glub! You're a fish! Glub, glub!" (As Fred, Wilma, Barney and Betty are about to leave, a man named Chip Rockefeller (Thomas Gibson) comes out and stops them) NC (vo): But Chip Rockefeller...ha! Chip! Rock! No, you were right not to laugh at that...feels bad about how the family acted and invites them to his casino in Rock Vegas. Wilma: I don't think now is such a good time... Fred: Rock Vegas, eh? (Dollar signs appear on Fred's eyes, creeping NC out) NC: No! God, no! NC (vo): Goddamn it! As if we didn't have enough kill faces in this movie, now we have to have the one from Judge Doom at the end of Roger Rabbit? '''Judge Doom:' (dubbed over Fred) When I killed your brother, I talked... JUST... LIKE... THIIIISS!! NC: Ignore the G rating! This is a PG when PG actually meant something! (We go to a commercial. When we come back, we see the four arriving at Rock Vegas) NC (vo): So everyone is, of course, off to Rock Vegas. Say, I wonder what prehistoric law in prostitution is here? (Cut to Fred from the cartoon, in a commercial for Busch Beer) Fred (Cartoon): Oh, there's a lot of booze gonna be sold! NC (vo): Hey, hey, he said it, not me! (images of Fred and Barney in the Busch Beer and Winston Cigarette commercials are shown) He's a hard drinker and a hard smoker; isn't this kind of like the next logical step? (The four take in the sights of Rock Vegas as its theme song, performed by Ann-Margaret, is heard) NC (vo): So, even though this movie is bad, I will give it credit that it doesn't really have a predictable plot. It's just Fred and Barney meeting Wilma and Betty and going to Vegas. Honestly, I'm not entirely seeing where this plot can go. (We cut to Chip plotting with his girlfriend Roxie inside their office) Chip: Soon, Wilma will see him for the pathetic primitive primate he really is. NC: Ah, there's our bullshit! NC (vo): You see, Chip wants to marry Wilma so he can inherit her fortune to pay off some gangsters and... shit, do I even need to say it? You've heard it a million times. But, hey, it does allow for the crossover we've all been waiting for: The Flintstones Meets the Leprechaun. NC: And the... Jolly Green Brad Garrett? NC (vo): Speaking of threatening little green nightmares... (As Fred is playing dice at the casino, Gazoo appears in front of him; NC again screams at Gazoo's sudden appearance) Gazoo: I know this will be difficult for you, but let's think. NC (vo): He explains Rockefeller's plan, but it leaves little to no impression on our dumb-as-a-rock hero. Gazoo: Good luck, dum-dum. You'll need it. NC (vo): I think that's what every ticket taker said when going in to see this movie. NC: (as a ticket vendor stamping tickets) Good luck, dum-dum, you're gonna need it. Good luck, dum-dum, you're gonna need it. Good luck, dum-dum, you're gonna need it. NC (vo): Meanwhile, Wilma and Betty get a massage from an unlikely cameo. Wilma: (to the massaging octopus) Could you get in between my shoulder blades? That's where I carry all my tension. Octopus (Rosie O'Donnell): Ha. She's tense. I just found out what "calamari" means. NC: Finally, a fitting role for Rosie O'Donnell in The Flintstones! NC (vo): Not since casting her as a chimp has this felt so right. (we see Barney hanging out at a buffet) Barney as well seems to be enjoying himself. Barney: Ooh. (sees a waiter carrying a large pie) Look at the size of that pie. NC: Well, gee, I am totally clueless to where this is going. I'm gonna say they all get cave syphilis and die. (Roxie approaches the waiter to speak, but the waiter accidentally shoves the pie in her face) NC: Or the pie goes in her face. One of the two. Barney: Let me help. (He chuckles and uses Roxie's braid to attempt to clean her. This is witnessed by Betty, who thinks Barney is flirting with Roxie) NC (vo): Oh, now we're doing this stupid thing. Christ, the storytelling connects so much to our everyday lives. NC: How many cream pie misunderstandings will it take before we learn? NC (vo; as Barney): No, it's okay! I was just wiping my white hot cream off her breast! (As Betty sits on a bench while crying, a rock singer named Mick Jagged approaches her) Mick Jagged: Hello, love. NC (vo): This leads to Alan Cumming in a double role... because if I was in a Flintstones movie, I would want double the attention... playing rock star Mick Jagged. Mick: What do you say we go and meet me bandmates? Then maybe go somewhere more quiet so we can, uh... talk a little bit more, yeah? NC: You know, how bad is it that Flintstone Kids is a better prequel than all of this? (Fred is shown gambling at the casino) NC (vo): Fred, it looks like, is getting way too into his winnings, and Chip decides to sabotage him by pushing a lever that forces him to lose. No, literally, he just pushes one lever, and Fred magically loses all his money to the casino. (After pushing the lever, Chip laughs evilly) NC: How the hell does that guy owe money?! NC (vo): He has a magic lever that can force people to lose everything! Marry into money? Why?! You have God's personal money tree! Th-there's not even any complicated controls! It's just "win" and "lose"! Is it only targeted to Fred? Can it be targeted to other people? Is there a remote-control chip in everybody's mind that he somehow has control over that can win or lose or...? This whole movie should be about how that lever works! (cut to Wilma giving her pearl necklace to Chip) But, nope, we don't focus any more on that, because he instead tries to woo Wilma by saying he'll put her priceless pearls in his safe... which, for a casino, seems surprisingly small. NC: And an open view for everyone to see! NC (vo): But it's okay, because they rip off the dumbest subplot of Titanic. Yep, they slip Wilma's pearls into Fred's pocket. Jack Dawson (from Titanic): This is horseshit! NC: You said it, 1997 Leonardo DiCaprio. You said it. (Chip seals the casino to announce to everyone inside that a theft has occurred) NC (vo): Even when Chip seals off the casino, asking the wrongdoer to come forward and confess, I don't think there's anything that could possibly make any of this remotely funny... Man (Jim Doughan): I'm systematically poisoning the dinosaurs' water supply! In a matter of decades, their entire species will be extinct! NC: Doyle? You actually had a funny line! Good God! I think that's, like, the one funny line in the entire goddamn movie! Man: Doesn't anybody care about this whole "dinosaurs becoming extinct" thing? Everyone in the casino: NO! (The man sadly walks away) NC: No, no, please! Can't we follow that other guy's story? NC (vo): Why did he do it? How did he do it? Can he save a couple so we can reenact (poster of...) ''Dino-Riders''? Ian Malcolm (from ''Jurassic Park''): That's– That's chaos theory. NC (vo): He, of course, reveals Fred as the culprit and even works in Barney as an accomplice, and Wilma, being as dumb as everyone else in this movie, believes it. This means Chip's plan is working, and just in the nick of time. (The Rocko Brothers are shown confronting Chip) Little Rocko: See, a little birdy told 'em that you ain't even dating this slag. (A little bird pops out of a box) Bird: Hey, I might be out of a job tomorrow. Brother's got to have a little nest egg, you dig? NC (vo): Oh, that bird was going a little too (image of one of the crows from...) Dumbo for my tastes... Little Rocko: But if the bride don't show, you'll be spending your wedding night... Big Rocko: ...with me! Singers: We'll have a gay old time! NC: Hey, what happens in Rock Vegas stays in Rock Vegas. Did I mention his name is Rock Vegas? (We cut to Fred and Barney in jail) NC (vo): Meanwhile, Fred and Barney sulk in a jail cell. Fred: We'd be with them right now if I hadn't been so stupid. (Gazoo appears, once more causing NC to scream at his sudden appearance) Gazoo: Now, I could've told you that. Fred: So you're gonna bust us out of here? Gazoo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do I look like the Calvary? Though those outfits are adorable. Singers: We'll have a gay old...! Gazoo: You two know I can't actually interfere. NC: (as Gazoo) If you do, I'll make sure you never do another Spy Kids. NC (vo): But Barney finds a way to sneak through the bars and get out. (Barney, having unknowingly got out of the jail cell just to get a box of tissues, offers one to Fred) Barney: Blow. Singers: We'll have a gay old...! Fred: You can fit through the bars! Barney: I can? NC (vo): Meanwhile, both Betty and Wilma think they were happier with the people they're still under the impression were cheaters and thieves. (Both Wilma and Betty hug and cry) NC: (as Sally) I'm leaking! (We see Fred and Barney sneak into a dressing room while disguised as dancers) NC (vo): I don't know, somehow, Fred and Barney dress in drag... NC: Do you really care how? NC (vo): They eventually break in and try to get Betty out of Mick's hands. Barney: I just had to come back and tell you... I love you. I don't think I ever told you that before. But now I did so. Goodbye. NC: (softly, while pointing to camera) You will believe Stephen Baldwin as Barney Rubble as a showgirl will win an Oscar. (beat) Mostly because you were dropped as a child. Hard. And repeatedly. Betty: (to Barney) Do you really mean it? Barney: Of course I do. I've never felt this way about anyone before. NC: (as Fred) Oh, Barney, after all these years, [[Return_of_the_Nostalgic_Commercials#Cocoa_Pebbles|I thought you were after my Fruity Pebbles]]. Mick: (suddenly confronting Barney) Not after I gone to all the trouble of pinching her from him in the first place! (he yells and he and Barney slap at each other) NC (vo, as Mick): You will forget I can do Shakespeare! Barney: (tackling Mick) Take this, you foreigner! (he knocks Mick down with a crash) Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Content Category:Transcripts Category:Articles that need improvement